I was playing something called SONIC THE F*CKING HEDGEHOG on my Genesis and I noticed something…. there was no autistic little flying f*cking doll telling me stupid sh!t. Somehow, I managed to play the game with out literally stepping on my d!ck and falling down a flight of stairs. Isn’t that amazing? I mean, just imagine some flying high pitched moron wasn’t telling me the forward button made me go forward…. I’m lucking I didn’t choke on my own tongue and cut my ear off with a rusty spoon by accident thinking that that was how I’d move forward. Weird right? I mean because the way video games have become, you’d simply assume we should be required to wear a god damned helmet at dinner, and if it was soup, f*cking water wings and a snorkel. I mean, like Arkham Asylum, WTF is that sh!t telling me how to walk with the left stick, and restricting my movements like I’m gonna get confused trying to learn how to push a f*cking button. I mean seriously people, do you really think your client base is that retarded? And if you’re making these games simple because of little kids, then you might wanna tone down the sawing people in half with the Gears of War series and its retarded overly drawn out tutorial levels. Well what about old people???? I’m pretty sure my grandmother isn’t clamoring to do some drive bys in the latest GTA. So seriously guys, if someone is such a n00b that they can’t even figure out basic controls, then by all means slap a helmet on the retards and add a tutorial option to the main menu, but stop making it f*cking mandatory! I’m sick and tired of waiting through retardation to get into the actual game. I mean sh!t, why doesn’t GT6 have us learn how to use our cars, by restricting our movements until we push the gas button while some squeeky voiced floating creature keeps saying “HEY! LISTEN!” until I get out of the car and cut its god damn tongue out to feed to my dog like a biscuit then tear off its wings to give to my cat as a toy, or even stopping the f*cking game every other second to tell me “that the bend in the road is called a turn, that turn is going left. It is called a left turn. By moving your left analog stick to the left. This will cause your car to change direction in an almost circular motion, this technique is called turning. By moving the stick left you complete a left turn, this action can also be repeated by pressing right to make a right turn. Turn to the left in order to turn your car left. This may also be called steering.” then I can get a f*cking award or achievement for it. Cut that sh!t out, I know how to play, and people are able to figure it out, or select the tutorial themselves, or read the damn controller map in the booklet. We don’t need you holding our d!cks when we piss to keep us from drinking it. Get the damn point?
Richard Ballsworth: Tea Bagger Extraordinaire